Sex: It’s in All of Us

When was the last time you had sex?

Go on…really think about this. Was it last night? Maybe it was last week? Was it perhaps last month? It could have been last year. I want you to stop and ask yourself, “When was the last time you had mind-blowing, bed-breaking, headboard smashing, insanely wild sex?”

It was March of 2016, but since then it has been the longest dry spell. For a brief period of time, I had broken up with my boyfriend, so he and I clearly were not getting it on. I had cut ties with the friend with benefits long ago and I really did not do the whole one-night-stand/dating thing. I find that my brain is just not programmed for it and I end up getting attached to that person’s company. It is more the comfort and attention offered by that person than anything else. I tend to have a bad taste in men so they are all really just jerks in the end.

My boyfriend and I got back together this past June and I have been giving him a chance to redeem himself and our relationship since moving back to New Haven. So far, so good…except for the fact that there is this unspoken tension between us but we are working through it – slowly. I am currently withholding sex from him because he can’t just trash our relationship and think he can get back in the sack, does he? He doesn’t even know that I am actively withholding sex from him. We just don’t have sex at this point. I actually feel like our relationship is going up in flames because lately (always) communication has been getting worse and worse between the two of us and little things he does really get on my nerves.

He tends to get into these moods and it’s really hard to get him out of them. I understand having a bad day, but I think it is something more than that and it’s no fun for me to ALWAYS have to be the happy, optimistic, positive one. Some days, I just want to be a little negative and express my upset about somethings. It’s not fair. Is it just sexual frustration? I don’t know. We used to have sex and it was fun and he was a much happier guy, before, during, and after. But now…how can I do something so intimate with someone who right now I am completely doubting his loyalty? If the trust isn’t there, how can there be intimacy?

A Sticky Situation

I don’t normally use this as my diary, but tonight I feel the need to because I need to get somethings off my chest. On New Year’s Eve, I made a wish. I wished to have my Zack back. I told myself that it was impossible and that it would never happen because he and I had not spoken since September when he just vanished. Apparently, the universe responded to me.

[Enter New Year’s Day, stage right]

Zack makes a comeback…

I had already decided that 2017 would be the year I learn to let him go and then there he is, blowing up the locked screen of my iPhone. I jumped so hard when I saw his text messages that I dropped that iPhone onto my grandmother’s ceramic kitchen floor. The screen of my iPhone 6 is cracked now. The thing that frustrates me is that, since he and I have reconnected, nothing about our dysfunctional relationship has changed – he is still a workaholic with no ideas how to behave in a relationship. Every morning, I wake up with a painful headache and I know it is because I spent 8 hours of sleep subconsciously hoping he would change overnight.

He is 29 years old and he just does not understand. How do I make him understand? I already gave up the love of my life once. I really do not want to do it again. As long as we continue this ghosted relationship, then I suppose I can do it at some point. Once my eyes meet his…it’s game over.

“The Road So Far…”

Here we are. December is finally here and everywhere I go I see Christmas. Honestly, I work so much that sometimes I cannot believe that Christmas will be here in only 15 days. Typically, this is my favorite holiday because I love hearing the music and seeing the decorations, but this year…I am struggling to keep moving. I have many decisions to make before the end of 2016 and I am having the hardest time balancing all of my responsibilities.

Every night, I come home from work – dead tired and defeated. I have not worked on my novel for four months, but luckily I was able to get the week after Christmas off from work. I anticipate many long nights of writing and re-writing.

Since my break-up with Zack, I have not been doing so well. I put on a brave face and I smile and laugh my way through the work day, but what I really  want to do is just curl into a ball and cry. I have been struggling to move on from him and from the memory of our relationship, but it is hard. Letting go of someone is really hard. I wake up every morning with this hole in my chest and sometimes I feel like I cannot take a deep breath. People keep telling me to just move and forget him. “He was a loser,” some say. “He was a jerk and doesn’t deserve you anyway!” Well, the truth is I was in love with that loser – that asshole.

Let me tell you something about Zack. He may not have been the best at actually being in a relationship and managing work and making time for his girlfriend, BUT he is one of the best men to ever walk into my life and I will miss him for the rest of my adult life.

He was warm and funny; childish yet filled with wisdom. He was level-headed and impulsive. He was quiet but opinionated. He never told me that there was something I could not do. Most importantly, he never asked me to be someone I am not. He appreciated the woman I was when we were together. He always made sure we had fun and he encouraged me to follow my dreams. I will never find another Zack and to be honest, I do not want to because I will forever measure that man up to the Zack I want to be with.

It sucks that he and I are not together anymore and I feel like I am drowning in an ocean of our memories, but I guess there is nothing that can be done about this now. It just sucks that now that I can move back to New Haven, we are no longer together. If only I had been able to move back there last year. We might have gotten our Valentine’s Day dinner.

The Five Stages

About three months ago, I made the decision to end my relationship.

It wasn’t healthy. No one was happy. And…let’s face it – it just was not working.

I spent a year and a half trying to find some way to make it work and I did all I could, but he did not want to put in the work.

He did not want to spend hours traveling to me. He did not want to take five minutes at night to call me. He did not want to use his breaks at work to text me “good morning” or ask my how my day is.  He did not want to make me a part of his world.

It’s never easy, deciding to break up with someone. Every day I feel this hole, this unfillable void, in my life and I miss him.

I wake up and I miss him. I ride the train and I think about him. I walk to my office and my mind is flooded with memories of walking places with him. There is not a day I don’t hope and pray that he would just text me and want to work it all out – but he doesn’t.

He may not know this, but he saved my life. He helped me find myself and question the path I was on. He encouraged me to try new things; he always told me I could do anything I wanted.

Without him, I would probably still be working on my Senior Seminar British Literature term paper.

Thank you, Zack…thank you for keeping me awake that night, even though I kept taking mini naps and you would have to keep calling me. Thank you for making sure that at 3:45 AM, I woke up from my nap and finished page 6. Thank you for acting as my silent support system as I finished my final exam paper for my Literary Criticism class. You were watching the Kurt Cobain documentary, but having you next to me kept me focused because I knew that as long as you were there that I would get the paper done. Thank you for coming to my awards ceremony when we had only been dating one week.

Humbati…you oaf. xo

Who hurts the most?

The scariest thing in the world is choosing to walk away from the one person you love more than anyone else in the world. How do you admit to the person you want most in this world that you have to part ways? Where is the break-up exit interview? Is there a severance pay that I qualify for?

Should it hurt as much as it does, when the person you love did not love you back?

Who actually feels the brunt of the heartache in a break-up? It’s the person who does the walking away. There are so many emotional suitcases full of clothing that needs to be hastily packed, fragile plates full of memories that need to be carefully and individually wrapped, and books containing your adventures must be delicately placed in boxes and stored away. Break-ups do not happen over night. They take days…sometimes months.

He and I should have ended things when I left Connecticut. But, we didn’t. I think we both wanted things to work out, but how do you admit to yourself that it isn’t?

He saved me from myself, and I am so, so happy that I met him and shared as many happy memories with him as I could, but he just didn’t love me as I loved him.

“Ay, there’s the rub”. – Hamlet in Shakespeare’s Hamlet

The Right Thing

When people talk about “doing what is right”, how do they know what the right thing is? Does the royal “They” that people refer to have a secret handbook that others are unaware of? Is there really one correct solution to each dilemma in life?

Right now, I am dating this guy. I met him last April, right before I left college. He is the most amazing man I have ever met, but he is not most girl’s ideal boyfriend. He is forgetful and a flake, he works too much, he has no time for a real relationship, and he is clearly not someone who should be in a long distance relationship because he is not willing to put in the work.

My friends believe he is bad for me and my family wants me to dump him, but I think he just needs the guidance of the right girl. I fell for him for a reason and that reason surpasses all the reasons not to be with him. It is a shame that they are not reasons that can be physically seen because they are magical.

There is magic in the way he gently presses his lips to the top of my head as he hugs me, how he smiles slightly just before kissing me, in the way he holds me while we sleep, but there is more magic than anything in the way he looks at me. He has such expressive eyes and they are dead giveaways for anything he is feeling.

When I am with him, I feel as if we are the only two people on the planet. I am not afraid to get a little silly and really let loose. I never stress about straightening my hair or wearing the perfect outfit because just by looking into his eyes, I can tell he likes me for who I am.

I could never forget him and no matter how many times I tell him “It is over”, I still want him because my feelings for him are so powerful. He has changed my whole world, and I would not give him up for anyone else.

Would it be the right option for me to break up with a man, whom I love dearly, just because other people think it is right? What if there is no right option, only the option that I feel is right? Right now, my gut tells me that he and I are supposed to be together. We met when we did for a reason and who knows where will be in a few months from now, but I am just not ready to let him go.

I know that it would be the wrong choice.

 

 

I Will Never Stop…

My boyfriend has no idea how lucky he is to be loved by me. I am pretty sure that he and I are not going to be a thing soon.

I am sure that I drive him crazy.

I will never stop being in love with him, until he tells me to. Until the day he tells me he does not want to be with me anymore. He came into my life at a time when I felt so lost. He saved me. Zachary saved me, and now I cannot imagine my life without him in it.

So, no…I will never stop caring about. I will never stop trying to be the best girlfriend I can be to him, and I definitely will never stop falling in love with him.